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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.