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Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.