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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
If a post is really good you will read it twice. if a post is really good you will read it twice.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.