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Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/