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No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I order all my food with extra gluten.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"