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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
“I saw that.” -Karma
Honk if you want to see my finger.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.