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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.