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Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be