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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.