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Iām trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?