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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack