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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.