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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."