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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!