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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I put the hot in psychotic.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.