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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.