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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.