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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
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