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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)