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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie