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At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.