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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!