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I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.