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That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.