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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!