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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.