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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?