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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...