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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.