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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.