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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Velcro, what a rip-off!
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!