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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on