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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.