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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.