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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.