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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores