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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
My password is SupermanHulkThorGoku, that`s the strongest password I can think of.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!