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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team