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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.