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From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.