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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.