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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.