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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
It´s never to late to be happy
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.