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Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.