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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
My life is loosely based on a true story.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.