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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?