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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?