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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.