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The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.