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Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.