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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.