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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.