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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.