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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
I get my cardio from caffeine...
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.