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"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"