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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.