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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.