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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.