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Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.