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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.