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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........