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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
How long does it take to get obsessed?