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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...