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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....