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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.