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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.