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If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.