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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.