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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.