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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."