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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.