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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Long story short, I love summaries
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!