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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.