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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.